"What to Expect" Makes Me LOL

To my darling family and people who might feel awkward about reading about sex:

After I found out I was pregnant and we established it was in no way a chemical pregnancy (something like ten positive tests over 5 days...) the process went exactly as I always thought it would; DH brought me home preggie pops, prenatal vitamins, and of course, the pregnancy bible:

Source

For the first few weeks I was completely wrapped up in this book and it's infinite wisdom. Then, I started reading a few phrases from the book/website that left an unpleasant taste in my mouth...things that left me scratching my head asking, "Does anyone REALLY need that to be said?" Or "Who are these people that DO THIS in the first place." Examples:

She's going to have to play it safe when it comes to alcohol and limit her consumption to a sip or two on very special occasions.

First of all, I don't need a babysitter. Second of all, I think any sensible woman who had the maternal instinct to want this book would know that. FKN IDIOTS.

In reference to pregnancy breast enlargement:

But always ask before you touch, and touch gently when you get the go-ahead.  

Yeah, because the Mister totally just cops a feel whenever he feels like it... regardless of it's wanted or not? I feel for whoever even thought that was necessary.

Say it again: It's not fat, it's not fat , it's not fat . At 16 weeks pregnant, FAT is a four-letter word, and she spends every minute of every day wondering if her body will ever return to its original shape. Banish the word "fat" from your vocabulary starting now. If you absolutely need to reference your wife's size, memorize this scientifically correct synonym: maternal storage tissue.

Wow... just wow. REALLY?!

This one, however, is the best of them all. So I just took a screenshot and will let it speak for itself.

 1. The ONLY reason I am going to my bedroom these days is to snuggle under my nice electric blanket and fall asleep.
2. I don't know WHERE the hell these "rumors" are coming from but they are LIES.
3. Calling my breasts "giganto" will do nothing but bring on a whole lot of pain for you.
4. Stretched to their earthly limits? As if I wasn't feeling 800 pounds already, let me go cry now.

All quotes and screenshots taken from the what to expect for dads section of their website. Fucking Douchebags.